On fandom in general

Kinda TL;DR but I have to get this off of my mind.

Everyone is a fan of something or someone. Everyone enjoys being a fan.

Everyone enjoys being a fan better when they have someone enjoying with them.

But, here is where the sundering happens: there are different strokes for different folks. People express their like (or dislike) of something in very unique ways. Some take time to write, some draw, some create gifsets or graphics...the list of creative stuff goes on. Of course, it goes without saying that some are more aggressive in getting noticed than the others - not because they want attention (although some obviously want to, and I'll get to that), but because the work that they do is laudable.

This fangirl has ruminated on this for the past months. I know I am an aggressive kind of fangirl, in the sense that I don't hesitate to share to everyone what I'm going crazy over. Many times, I have convinced people to come over to the dark side join me. I have written a fanfic or two for some series. I haven't drawn anything though (oh heck please no). When I was still studying, I remember I'd even romanize the lyrics of Kangta's songs (and boy did THAT take time).

Now, I wonder why I did those things. Surely, I didn't do them because I want to be noticed. If ever I was noticed, it's because I was very boisterous; or I did a good job and/or I helped someone out with getting information about something. I did those things because I loved doing it.

You give because you love.

Of course, I cannot please everyone. There was this time on Tumblr when I posted that I ship Thorin and Thranduil because they're canon, on the basis of a line in The Hobbit where it says that Thranduil laid the Orcrist on Thorin's grave. Someone reblogged it and said I was "annoying" because I took the quote out of context. I'm like, "of course it's out of context!" How many percent of the time do people on Tumblr take everything in context? (In fact, if Tumblr should have a tagline, it can be "Where there's no context" or "WHAT IS CONTEXT", but I digress). I still don't regret posting that though, cause I laughed so hard at it (along with other people in RL that I know), and with the kind of work I do, these kind of sabaw and out-of-context moments are a soothing balm.

Anyway, on the subject of being noticed - is it really important to me? My answer to that is the same with my answer ten years, or fifteen years ago: NO. I guess I owe this to my being choleric, but I think there's more to it than temperament.

But before I elaborate, let me say this - I think the expression of admiration for someone else does more good to you than for other person. It's like extending forgiveness - you do it because if you don't, bitterness will cripple you like a disease. If you talk to someone about a problem you're facing, you feel lighter afterwards. Releasing our emotions to someone is a very healthy exercise. If you don't, you'll explode.

When the subject of my fangirl affection is a person, I don't take too much effort for him/her to notice me. On sporadic occasions, I do, but I don't expect a response. Why? Because [1] I'm happy enough to have taken the courage to write her/him, and [2] the person is too busy and has her/his own life, and that should be respected.

Opening up my emotions to someone whom I only admire on an artistic level is too shallow (and scary!) of a connection; just the thought of sharing my thoughts on paper is enough to induce analysis paralysis. In real life, it takes a while for me to be warm to another person. (I believe this is the melancholy side of me taking over.)

I have very little understanding for people who press in so much to be acknowledged by people whom they fangirl/fanboy about. By "pressing in", I mean people who bombard, say, a guy from 1D, with tweets asking him to add her on Twitter, or ploys that are supposed to be "selfless efforts" for a certain object of affection, when in reality it's an effort for the instigator (credited in name!) to take the credit spotlight. I am always inclined to doubt their sincerity - not because I don't like what they're doing. It's just that, from an observer's point of view, some of the stuff I've seen are very intrusive and have that small, yet sure hint of self-service. How do I know if it is? When they gloat about not being noticed, or the opposite happens and they put themselves on a pedestal like they're the best people in the world ever (okay, that was exaggerated).

Of course, I've had my own moments like these - one happened fairly recently. They were NOT pretty. It's when you make fandom all about you that you become a monster. Every day, I have to remind myself that it's not about me (the retreat last Saturday was a great reminder, right in the feels I say). Screw it if I don't get noticed - the artist strives anyway, with or without an audience. It's all about the work. To create and to express, and to put a period at the end of it yourself; to have made something that was me and put it out there, is enough.

I guess...what I'm trying to drive at is this: we should all just sing our songs, dance to our own beats, and be fearless in declaring our love for things that matter to us - and never mind the audience. To have created something - that is its own reward. Acknowledgement is just a by-product of it.